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A Personal Financial Therapist discusses two cases where self-worth was tied too tightly to a job.
One of the many challenges that we have in life is finding
the right balance between our work and our personal lives. In a world
dominated by “bottom line” thinking it’s so easy to get sucked into
believing that our self-worth is determined by our jobs, not our
inner state of being.
Recently I’ve had two cases in which clients found themselves “lost”
in their jobs, and I thought that by sharing them with you, I could
give you some insights into this conundrum.
CASE 1: A counselor named Arlene was facing major life changes. She
was separating from her partner, selling her home, and considering
retiring after working 25 years as a college counselor. In
retrospect, it seemed odd that Arlene initially didn’t even mention
to me her pending separation, or the sale of her home, only her
possible retirement. In fact I had to quiz her at some length before
she mentioned these other life changes. Her total focus was on
whether or not she could afford to retire. I realize now that it said
a lot about Arlene’s priorities.
In reviewing her financial summary I saw little that would prevent
her from retiring since she had a good retirement plan, and lived
within her means. If I hadn’t detected an underlying anxiety as she
told me her plans, I might not have questioned her when she said that
she planned to go to graduate school. She was confident that she
could clear $75,000 from her equity in her house, and she would use
that money towards paying for getting another degree.
I asked Arlene how long it would take and how much it
would cost her to get that degree, and she said that it would take at
least two years and cost over $100,000. I commented that that was a
lot of work and money to spend for someone in their early 60s who
wanted to retire. I wondered what was driving her to do this.
Knowing that family money issues might be influencing
Arlene in this decision, I took her through a family money history
visualization, and her first image was of her father chastising her
for stealing from her mother’s purse. She said that the image brought
up a lot of guilt and that throughout her life she had felt that she
had to be super responsible about having enough money. I suggested
that her inherited attitude could be a reason why leaving her job
could be a major issue since she felt that her self-worth was tied
her paycheck.
Arlene listened to me, and her face suddenly crumpled. “ I think
you’re right. I’m really terrified of retiring.” She confessed.
That revelation helped Arlene to reassess her future plans. We
discussed how her “terror” of retiring was tied to her feeling of being
lost without her job. Once she realized that getting another degree
wouldn’t help her find herself and wasn’t necessary financially for the
part time counseling that she envisioned doing after leaving her job,
she was able to look at what she could do to establish her identity in
retirement
I remembered telling Arlene that she could still continue to take courses
at a much cheaper rate and could use that $75,000 to buy a home if
she wanted to.
“Yes, I’d like to do that”, Arlene had replied, “It’s time I paid more
attention to my personal life.”
CASE 2: In Case 2 Evan was not afraid to let go of his job but he
needed permission to retire because he didn’t feel that he could
allow himself to do it since his reasons for leaving were to have
more personal and spiritual enrichment – a reason that ran counter to
his family’s strict work ethic. Evan had just inherited enough money from his recently deceased
father so that he didn’t need to work. Instead of feeling happy about
this possibility, he felt guilty about leaving his job. “I have
always worked and supported myself, and the thought of not working
makes me feel that I’m being irresponsible,” were Evan’s words.
If I hadn’t known Evan, I would have found it hard to believe that he
could feel this way. However, from past consultations, I knew Evan
put tremendous store in working and being independent of family
support. I knew Evan viewed his inheritance as a mixed blessing: on
one hand, it was source of his freedom, on the other, it carried a
burden of family responsibility. I could see how Evan would be
reluctant to use this money in a way that the family might think was
frivolous.
I knew that Evan’s job, while meaningful, was very demanding, and I
could see how it could have taken a toll on his spirit, so I was more
than happy to give him the permission that he needed, but I knew that
he had to convince himself.
His father had instilled in Evan the burden of his need
to work. “It was not just about making money, Evan said, it was about
my need to serve”. Yet, Evan admitted that his job took so much of
his time that he didn’t have enough time for himself or his family,
and that was creating a void in his life.
“It’s hard for friends to understand my need to leave since
they are so caught up in their jobs. I think their jobs hold their
lives together,” Evan said.
I reminded Evan of what the Bhagavad Gita said about not
being attached to our work, and that we had to do our work with peace
of mind if we were to be fulfilled by it. We agreed that Evan’s job
was not making him peaceful and was draining his energy.
After much discussion, Evan was able to give himself
permission to leave his job and take the time he needed to replenish
his void. Then he’d look for a part-time job that would not dominate
his life. Fred Brown is a Personal Financial Therapist. He writes a regular column, Money and Spirit for the Santa Fe New Mexican newspaper. Learn more about Fred and his company at www.moneyandspirit.com.
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